Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Helloooooooooooooo Molweniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii You guys!!!!!!!!!!

I've been tying to come up with a way to start this post and I don't have the words so I'll just use a picture of the feeling I got when I woke up this morning:

Except I was smiling and still am.  I have really missed being able to share things with you on this platform and honestly I was not the same person.  I had planned to have a new look and a major revamp of this blog by today but life doesn't go according to plan and so I'm just rolling with this particular punch.  But in the next short while, you can look forward to a new look and more grown up with more original content, some video blogs and hopefully some advertising.

Speaking of growth, yasssis I feel like I've been born again.  I wish I could say in the Christian sense because then at least I would have uSathane to blame for the months of a beating I've been getting.  A lot has happened and things got so intense that as you know, I had to pull the plug on some projects and plug others like my blog.  I don't like sharing deets of my personal life especially on the internet but I will share the fact that this year has been one of the most difficult in a while but it wouldn't be a good life if things were always going our way.  

Moving Mememe from Parkhurst to storage took a lot out of me.  We have not found a new space yet and while there are many directions the business can grow in, for now it is taking a break.  I relinquished my share in the business and decided that retail was a monster I am not ready or willing to battle with when I have no qualification in business.  Blood, sweat and tears just doesn't cut it anymore.   And doing it in Johannesburg is not a joke if you're not in a mall.  This city's lack of walking culture makes it very difficult for small businesses whose brand ethos is not suited to a mall to grow.  There have been some other cool shops that have closed and I'm sure their owners are resting and smiling in peace while they figure things out.  After Mememe I started a full time job at a really great company which was perfect for me with my clothing and social media and blogging experience but it was literally the day after I closed the shop and the stress and feeling like complete failure got to me and I couldn't do it anymore.  I resigned after a month.  

While working my notice period, my housemate told me she's moving to Italy in 3 weeks and I would have to find a new housemate or a new place.  I decided to find something (and boy did I find something) on my own and because my employment situation was about to be touch and go, I downscaled on the car and got rid of my expensive power steering number and now drive a good old City Golf which is no walk in the park to drive but at least I don't literally have to walk in the park to get around this city. See what I did there? Lol!  This is the tip of the iceberg. 

When so much change is forced into your life like a giant wave,  after a while you start to see that you are actually blessed for it.  The last time I got a make over, it wasn't fun either but it opened a lot of doors for me.  While this was happening it felt like shit. I started seeing a therapist and realised that I have privileged people problems but fuck it, they still problems.  There were many moments where I felt like this little diva: 

Lol but what could I do? It's life.  As much as I cried and pushed through it all, there were many moments where I laughed because things were really funny, like my new old car. 

It used to belong to my grandmother and I bought it cash from my aunt.  It's red and has been the source of much of my commuting entertainment.  It obviously has no power steering so turning the wheel is like milking a bull.  Needless to say I now have Michelle Naomi Obama arms.  For the first few days the car seat was unable to move forward enough for my feet to reach comfortably so I was always driving with the left side of my body awkwardly outstretched and I got sore tendons on my lower calves as a result.  Eventually some pregnant strong man named Bianca Miles was able to push it to the right place about 10 days ago.  The temperature control is stuck on the hottest heat setting and is basically broken.  A hot day in Joburg has been known to reduce people to tears.   I have 3 choices when it comes to driving in this permanently on and permanently hot heat setting: 

1. The car heat hitting the windscreen. 
2. The car heat hitting my face. 
3 The car feet hitting my feet.  It gets too much to drive for over 20 min on one setting so it's constantly on heat rotate.  

The indicator stopped working on Sunday and the brake lights never switch off when I stop the car and take the key out of the ignition.  Every single day the battery will make the car not start and I've been stuck and even lit a fag on one occasion when I was stuck on Jan Smuts waiting for it to get fixed. This endless entertainment has resulted in the name GOY (Get Over Yourself) for this little red golf of mine.  
This is by no means a sexy look for a fashionista and I have so gotten over myself.  I have been asking (I'm so fucking intense though) some big questions like is this fashion thing really what I am here for? Is it a new season for a new me? What is it that I am supposed to be doing? I just want a break can everyone leave me alone? I want to leave Joburg and go and live in a hut in the Transkei, how do I go about acquiring a piece of land? (I actually did some research). Who are my real friends and why are they my friends? Do I really care about the things I used to care about? Mostly I've been driving myself crazy and I'm not going to make any decisions until the dust settles. 

I am happy to say I feel a bit normal again.  I'm grateful for having been forced into a corner and only having my wits to rely on.  I have been so lonely that in between monologues to the universe in which the underlying theme was WHYYYYYYYYYYY?, I have been inspired to write and become much more creative and am finding out all the reasons why these things happened.  I'm like a baby when things don't go my way and generally I need to calm down, but for the most part, I like myself better now because I know myself better. 

Ok enough ranting. I've been saving some content in my pockets so I'll post some things whenever I feel like the time is right.  It's Fashion Week this week and I'm going to be attending some of the shows but to be honest, I am still a little unsure about my relationship with fashion in this reeling phase and I'm kinda scared to be out air kissing. I have discovered the introvert in me and have found joy and solace in solitude (a true antidote to pretension). Although sometimes I look at people's photos on Facebook and resent the fact that I wasn't invited to that braai/babyshower/party/intimate meeting of people that look like they should be my friends.

Thank you for all the mails, whatsapp messages, smses and support from strangers that I have received during this difficult time.  I was at a party recently and two girls came up to me and asked ''So what are we supposed to do while we wait for 1 October Mili??????" Thank you for being patient if you have been waiting.  I'm going to post pics I took of my new apartment. I moved in on Sunday night and it's a hot mess in there but the actual place is seriously the best.  I have also found a great new office space to work from with some cool people in Braamfontein and I'm doing a bit of this and a bit of that and it's going ok. 

I'm glad to be back, I've missed you. 
Love Miss Milli


Nkhensani said...

I am so glad you are back!

Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to seeing what this new chapter in your life has in store. Also, thank you for showing me that growth is an ongoing thing, and that there is no job, age, house or achievement which will be the pinnacle of a person- there will always be room for something *more to happen.


Akona Ndungane said...

So sorry I didn't know any of this and wasn't there to hold you up.
Really very glad for the rebirth you are going through though.

Soon come my dear. Soon come.

Siki said...

We've missed you too.
Thank you so much for the bravery of sharing it like it is and telling us your life story. It's funny how many of us relate to your situation but will never ever be found wearing our hearts on our sleeve on blogs nevermind social media sites.
Good to have you back.

Klodi said...

Welcome back Milli! I've missed you so , sounds crazy I know! Thank you for writing honest blog posts like this one. They don't go unnoticed and you're not alone- I too have been having a similar kind of past 6 months. Only heaven knows what awaits us on the other end but hang in there Milli.
Holding thumbs for you and sending lots of love.

sindisokhumalo said...

Welcome back you beautiful, brave, creative, amazing woman you. This is your new season, your new chapter. Phambili Sisi! Phambili! XXX

Mutaleni said...

Missed you Miss Milli! This one hit home - thank you!

MiZz B.A.T said...

Milli i have come to learn that as human beings we don't ask questions because we dont have the answers, most of the time the questions asked, we already have answers too. Its ironic how growth comes with that, the many questions that seek answers, within answers, and at times we already have the reasoning and answers.

Time will give you time, and allow your mind, soul and being TIME.
At "times" (see what i just did there lol) we fail ourselves and our own realities because we rush into a world worth not going to.



Bongi a.k.a @bat_lady07

Nomali said...

Glad to see you back on this part of the interwebz. Even happier that you're staring your challenges in the face and generally being awesome. I sort of feel like sharing cheesy words of encouragement but I hate hearing them myself so I won't do that to you. Happy nesting in the new flat, good luck with your new projects and I really looking forward to the new Miss Milli site.

You're champ, sani.

zee said...

You are such a peach. I can relate better than you know. Onwards!

Creativity Breeds said...

Heeeey Miss Milli! WE really did miss you. Crazy that I went through a similar situ.
"At times you don't need a cheerleader but someone who will just understand" said a friend.

Perhaps in my vortex world we'll go out and have whatever we want on the menu and just be.
I hope you milk the new place for all its worth...

X Extremely Fond OF YOU.. Be well.

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